Blue. Black. Green. Neon Pink. Red. Purple. Orange. Permanent markers. Pilot. Panda. Stabilo.
Yes, I love pens - all shapes and sizes and colors and brands. As long as I have a pen in my hand, I know I can write about absolutely anything. It's not about if I have a clue on what I'm writing about. It's the fact that I'm writing that matters to me. I'm not a great writer like Paulo Coelho or Audrey Niffenegger but I'd like to think I'm a good writer in my own right. I can write almost anything as long as I have a good pen and paper in front of me. It was an obsession to have lots of pens for I had that belief that my writing is affected by the pen I'm using.
I love writing. I adored that art. A day didn't pass that a poem or a beginning of a short story would pass through my hands and into a piece of paper. It was usually about love that I would write about (come on, a high school student would not talk about anything else). I would always be amazed at how good the Carolyn Keene* writers of Nancy Drew would create such mind-boggling mysteries and yet not so much it would bore its young readers. If the mood strikes, I would write about emotions and dreams. I always wrote about things that are intangible and insubstantial. For me, all things, earthly or not, deserves a chance to be mentioned with ink. I h
ad so much gusto in writing that I’m sure if I had compiled all my work, it would be as thick as 3 FHM’s special edition magazines.Of course, where else can I utilize such love (again) and devotion but in the newspaper club. Feature writing was my forte. I love playing with words and I can’t do that with news. Tell me any topic, even if I hated it, and I’ll write it. It was an opportunity for me to choose a colour of pen and write. It was ironic when I was told to compete for editorial cartooning rather than editorial writing but winning 6th place in the inter-school journalists’ competition was sweet.
Then college came. My art started to take a more specific form – lesson plan. “What’s the objective of your lesson?” “What materials are needed for it?” “What steps do you take to execute the lesson?” “Cite examples you’re expecting from your students.” Wow. There are these questions I have to consider before even grabbing a pen. My protagonists are real people now – 60 people in a classroom in fact. So many personalities I don’t know which one to focus on. Who’s my heroine? Who’s her prince? Am I the evil witch or the fairy god parent? If I give a test would that be like The Labours of Hercules for them? With all these doubts, my zest for the ink art started to waiver a little. It was a bit strenuous and burdening. I didn’t expect it to be such ….. waaaahhhhh!!!
I have had 10 diaries in my life. Very few are serious records of my life. A lot are just about my nonsense. It was important for me to document my existence – every excruciating detail of it. It was probably a proof for me that I’m alive. But when I started working for an engineering firm, all my passion for my art is gone. Typing my thoughts isn’t usually the way I want to do it, but the longing for a pen went from 200% to a mere 5% so I know starting a new diary will just be a disaster. Plus, I realized, it’s getting really difficult for me to write anything that’s not work-related. It’s terrible. Horrible!
Now that my pen is gone, hopefully the replacement ink will work it’s wonder and bring back the spirit I have lost. This is going to be painful rebirth for me. I lost my pen and my pen lost me. Now I have to look for it and bring it back.
Nina,
ReplyDeleteThis is Regina! I had the same nickname as you as a little child, Nina Bonita. Unfortunately, like all little kids who are in a hurry to grow up, I lost my temper each time somebody called me that. It made me feel small. :)
I very much like how you started this entry, and a fellow amateur writer like yourself can't help but be inspired by the passion in your love of words, in your love of the act. You write because of the act, and not for fame (well, maybe just a little). It's zen-like: you're focused on the act itself, and not the results that come forth from it. You're living in the present, not the past or the future. As a violinist, student, and amateur writer, I aim to do the same thing. Love the act itself. Too many times I am discouraged when people do things "because it's required." It's an art to find within yourself love for the barebones of it all. The doing. Of course, I really should follow what I just wrote up there; admittedly, it is all too easy to get sucked into an illusion, particularly the illusion of "Doing things so you can be the best."
There are a number of reasons I can think of why you've lost your "gusto" for writing. It could be that work leaves you feeling tired. But maybe it's that you've said what you've wanted to say in past entries. that's how I feel about poem writing- I've said what was bottled up inside already. Sometimes it helps to find random inspiration. For example, choose a book, poem, or phrase that has caught your imagination. Try to imitate. And then change some details, tweak them. Don't be afraid of imitation at first. Eventually, with time, you'll begin to write something "original" again.
Keep writing! I'm enjoying your blog.
Regina
Whoops, I meant "amateur writer like myself," not yourself. And I mean "amateur" not in the sense of being mediocre, or of less quality than a professional writer, but something closer to the word's roots. "amateur" comes from amar, to love, so it's a compliment if I use that term. :)
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